Jose Reyes to Marlins: Press Statement

(Press waits anxiously at Marlins Stadium in Fantasyland, Florida.

Marlins GM Larry Beinfest and field manager Ozzie Guillen enter, with shit-eating grins.

Both make self-congratulatory comments to the assemblage before introducing new shortstop Jose Reyes and giving him a team jersey, which he slips over his head. Reyes then approaches the mike and makes his statement.)



First of all, I want to thank God and my agent, Peter Greenberg, for their efforts in securing this contract for me. I also want to thank my wife, Katherine, for her patience during this tense process.

The men behind me have made my family financially secure forever. And I hope to repay them with my on-field performance this season, as well as in advertisements for Florida National Bank, my new sponsor.

(Reyes shows the FNB logo on the back of his jersey, below his name.)

I played many, many years for the... [Greenberg steps forward and whispers in Reyes' ear]..New York Mets. I have several, no, dozens of fond memories of my tenure with the Mets. They are truly one of the top 28 teams in major league baseball.

But a player sometimes outgrows a team, and that was the case here. The Mets were not willing to go past $80M and I had clearly outgrown that figure.

I want to also thank Terry Collins. On the last day of the 2011 season, Terry could have left me in the final, meaningless game of the season. I could have gone 0-3 in my final at-bats and not won the 2011 batting title. And then he would have been grilled by the media. Instead, after I got a base hit, Terry pulled me from the game. I won the batting title. And he faced the media and they made him cry. Thank you, Terry, from the bottom of my Florida Marlins jersey-wearing, $106M, six-year contract heart.

Baseball is a funny game. A pitcher can win the MVP for his performance in 35 games. And a player can get a guaranteed six-year contract for playing 127 games a season for five years. You can't make up stuff that funny!

In conclusion, thank you Marlins. Thank you, Marlins fans. I promise to play my heart out as long as I remain healthy.

(General outbreak of laughter in the room.)

{Reyes starts to walk over to Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria. On the way, his left ankle catches the corner of the podium and Reyes crumbles to the floor.)

(Loria, Beinfest, and Guillen jump to check on Reyes, their faces ashen with concern. Reyes jumps to his feet, smiling.)

Kidding! Just kidding, folks!

Beinfest and Loria mop sweat from their brows as they all leave the room.)