Monday, April 27, 2009

Who's the Boss?

(Completely dated now due to sexual harassment; dates back to the 1970s):

Boss wants to have sex with his secretary, but she has a boyfriend. Finally he asks her flat out, "Let's have sex - I'll pay you $100."

She refuses. He replies, "I'll throw it on the floor - you bend over - as soon as you stand up, it's over."

She calls her boyfriend, who says, "Tell him to make it $200 and bend over as soon as he throws the cash down. He won't even get inside."

They agree to seal the deal that afternoon. The boyfriend waits for the call - and it comes 45 minutes later. "What took so long," he asks.

The secretary replies, "The bastard used pennies!"

Thursday, April 16, 2009

For Seal Lovers Only

One day, an eskimo was riding his snowmobile to work and noticed that it was running poorly. He stopped at the repair shop to have them look at it.

The repairman said, "We're kind of busy right now, but why don't you go across the street to the cafe and have something to eat, then stop back and see me in a few hours."

So the eskimo went to the cafe and returned to the repair shop two hours later. The eskimo asked the repairman, "What did you find?"

The repairman said, "I think that you blew a seal."

The eskimo replied (after wiping his mouth), "No, I just had ice cream!"

Friday, April 03, 2009

The Price Is Right

Man was in an accident and his penis was chopped off. He was rushed to the hospital where the doctor examined him, and after careful examination said, "We can replace it with a small size for $2,000, a medium size for $5,000, or an extra-large size for $10,000. I realize it's a lot of money, so take your time and talk it over with your wife."

When the doctor came back into the room he found the man staring sadly at the floor.

"We've decided," the man told him as he choked back tears. "My wife says she'd rather have a new kitchen!"

Hey Doc!

A man goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I think I have a sexual problem. I can't get excited when I'm with my wife."

The doctor tells him to come back the next day with his wife, which he does.

The doctor takes the couple into the examining room and asks the wife to undress. "Turn all the way around," he tells her. "Lie down, please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor takes the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he telle the man. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Two Drunks Stumble Into a Bar...

Two drunks wake up in an alley, pool their money, and realize they only have 50 cents between them. "How are we going to get drunk on 50 cents?" asks one.

The other drunk has an idea. They go to 7-11 and buy one frozen hot dog.

The drunks go to a local bar and order two drinks. When the bartender turns his back, the first drunk unzips his fly and stick the hot dog in his pants. The second drunk falls to his knees and begins sucking the hot dog.

The bartender turns, sees this and screams, "Get out of here you perverts!"

They pull this stunt at 15 bars.

Finally, the second drunk says, "Hey, I can't go on. My knees are killing me."

The first drunk replies, "Yeah, me too. I lost the hot dog after the sixth bar!"

Captain Bravo's Pirate Joke

Captain Bravo was a manly man of the sea who showed no fear when facing his enemies.

While sailing the seven seas one morning, his lookout spotted a pirate ship on the horizon, panicking the crew. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved Captain Bravo's red shirt and whilst wearing the bright frock, he led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

Days later, the lookout again spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again they vanquished the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain: "Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle?"

Captain Bravo replied, "If I am ever wounded in an attack, the red shirt will not show the wound. Thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid."

The men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man.

As dawn broke the next morning, the lookout once again spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching. The rank and file all stared at Captain Bravo, who calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"