New and a Half Men!

No Sheen? No problem!

Charlie Sheen is now unseen. His TV show's Malibu mansion lacks one man.

But how to fill that space? And how to explain it, in a way that doesn't insult the viewing audience of TWO AND A HALF MEN (I know, there's a double entendre in that very statement).



It's been well-established that Alan Harper and Charlie Harper and siblings. Could there be a "cousin" Harper? Possibly. But I have another scenario that could energize the show in whole new directions and possibly, ratings-dependent, keep the show moving for a 10th season and beyond.

Evelyn Harper (Holland Taylor's character) is a much-married realtor. It's entirely realistic that Evelyn could quickly fall in love. Swept off her feet by a wealthy man (call him Richard Johnson, since the show is built on loving penis jokes), they wed in Vegas. And wouldn't you know it? His wealthy, disapproving son (call him Richard Jr. or Little Dick) comes to visit - and wants to stick around to make sure Evelyn doesn't abscond with his father's estate.

And Dick needs a house! Luckily, Charlie Harper and his bride are living it up in France. Evelyn pulls some swift negotiations and Dickie boy takes over the Malibu estate. Of course, there's a catch - new stepbrother Alan comes with the house. Pretty much over a barrel, Dickie finds himself living the California lifestyle, complete with a new house, new housemate, maid, nephew, and a whole world to explore.

For Richard? On the high end, I could see Malcolm McDowell. On the low end, there's Michael Hogan (Battlestar Galactica). The point is, the character becomes either a semi-regular - or a plot device, who can then be killed off after a few episodes. Because if he and Evelyn get divorced, then there's no real motivation for Dick to keep Alan around the house. But if it was in his father's will, well, that's another story.

As for Dick Johnson? Rob Lowe is apparently tied up with PARKS AND RECREATION. There were rumors of John Stamos, who has experience piggybacking onto another long-running hit (ER).



But I would go in another direction. How about career TV star Scott Baio? He's even the exact age that the character would need to be. And he's from New York, which fits the "fish out of water" nature of the character. And HIS fortune? He put up the money for some nerdy friends who had an idea for an Internet startup company - called Google.

It's almost a win-win for Warner Brothers and CBS. They can cast TWO new regulars for less than half the price of Charlie Sheen - and possibly get another 2-3 seasons of their warhorse series.

Think about it, Warner Brothers.

And you're welcome.